I'm not sure what's up with me but lately for 4-6 days within' a row I keep having dreams of my boyfriend but not in a positive light. In each of them he is cheating on me but not in a sexual act and I keep catching him red handed and he shrugs it off seeing it as a minor thing while I see it as a violation, major red flag for his behavior. I don't believe he would cheat nor ignore my confrontation about it unless it was that one time cough cough. He does not connect on that level but rather mentally and emotionally so I can see why it played out that way in my dreams. It's just odd by I keep having those reoccurring dreams unless it's some kind of foreshadowing or it's my own subconscious insecurity which is another thing I could understand. Some of the things he said in the recent past really hit home so I'm working on it - for myself. These dreams were the first real ones that focused solely on him rather than having two male leads and he looked just like himself instead of having someone else's characteristics.
Then bam out of nowhere I have a dream of my ex. It was unlike the ones in the past where we rekindled or I was mixed up with my intimacy. This one, I had no intention or thought of possibly reconciling instead I felt anxious, nervous, with a mix of inferiority. There were other parts in the dream of battling against aliens and being hunted and so forth. Somehow it led to his house, his mom was throwing some kind of surprise party for him and there was a whole lot of people. The house looks very similar to how it did after getting remodeled except they tore some more walls down like between his sister and his room. His mom was a tad awkward but she welcomed me with her usual warm self. I ran around, feeling scared and nervous at the same time - feeling the tug of wanting to leave so I wouldn't upset him when he saw me. Finally he came home with a group of male friends such as Christian and so forth. He wore a long grey sleeve shirt with a few ribs. His hair was short, dark brown kinda of like this but a bit shorter. He was surprised at first but then collected, his face had a bit of irritation with a smugness to it like "I hate you but I'm going to be polite and an ass." I can't remember if he reached his hand out first or if it was me. It was a short, loose handshake avoiding as much skin contact as possible. Small talk. "Nice seeing you again, how're you doing now" sort of thing. I told him I was doing nails now and he had this cold, smug face with a soft scoff - saying something along the lines of "That's all you've accomplished? I would think you'd made something more of your low self compared to what other immigrant families have done." It was a real slap in the face. Here I was trying to be sincere and polite, and he says that kind of thing. It left me a bit dumbstruck, how cold and arrogant he still was after all this time - why he was still so angry when I am genuine. I admit, I was real hurt. I just walked off, trying to compose myself. I'm not sure what this dream is suppose to mean but it sure hurt - not because of seeing his face again or his cold behavior but more of the words about my progress. Oh well, it's whatever.
I really wish back then when he hurt me, I had use that pain and anger to fuel my education instead of being broken and spacing out during lectures. I also wish I had use that anger to work on my body and self image, it would've sped up the healing process a whole lot faster. I was already pretty slim due to my lack of appetite but combine with exercise I really would've had a rocking' body with abs. Working out now is cool too, I haven't hit any adrenaline but it's a nice feeling because I don't feel as heavy and lazy. I finally realize how stinky working out can be. Whew, I was sitting down finishing up homework after hitting the gym and I caught a whiff of something and god it stank. Then I realized it was me, I never knew I could smell like this! I didn't sweat that much and when I do I usually don't smell that horrid ugh but hey it's a sign of my hard work I guess haha. Now if only I could curb my appetite because it has increased a lot since I started exercising.
Returned and worked out for for another 2.5 hours.
