Couldn't work out today, can't tomorrow, and closed on Sunday so.. I am sad and slightly upset.
It was a way to distract myself while working on myself. So much for it. Then again, I have a lot of preparation and essays coming up soon.
I've never really been into the whole fitness or exercise scene but I found my motivation for when I actually get into it. What really clicked in my head was when we were in an argument about efforts. He had stated things about wishing me to be more feminine and giving which was whatever because I could see how he may feel insecure in those areas since I have a very strong and bold personality. What really hit home was how he got angry because I did not try to work out to get a nice ass. I have no ass, never had an ass in my entire life from birth to present. Never cared for an ass and don't want one. My body is the same as it was before entering this relationship. I'm not overweight, my weight does fluctuate between certain periods where I will get a bit pudgy with a rounder face than usual but my clothes still fit the same and I bounce back to my slim face within' a few weeks. Him getting so angry about my lack of effort in achieving an ass and his desire to modify my body angers me. I am healthy and skinny yet he wants to change my body to his ideal. I don't want an ass. The reason I started working out as a way of spite, I work out to slim my stomach area, gain strength, and tone my triceps/biceps. I repeat, I don't want an ass. If you were attracted to me before when I had no ass, I see no reason to change and get an ass unless I personally desire.
Sometimes I get frustrated, jealous that it seems that I'm not as close to you as you are to me. I'm not your best friend, but you are mine. You have friends who you socialize and interact with but you're all I have. I'm not upset that I have no one but rather the fact that you have others who are not me. Selfish, yes. That's another reason for me choosing to get active - as a way to focus on myself. I have others who I can kill time with but you tend to get jealous of them, my female counterparts are not as available to connect with and the connection is just not as strong and natural. I have the heart of a woman but the brain of a man, girls just don't understand my interests and sense of humor.
I could sit and go on with how much you mean to me, how I yearn and love you, but you do not understand my forms of affection and my words are nothing just candy drops to your ears. You are not able to fully comprehend my feelings towards you. My love for you seems like a form of desperateness, clinginess. Instead of feeling touch by me missing you, you push me to be independent and do my own thing yet when I go too far and become occupied with matters you become upset, enraged that I am ignoring you. I don't understand the standards of having a soft vs hard/strong heart in which it will make everything ok.
All these are my insecurities. Afraid of not being up to par in your heart, fearful of losing you, angry that you do not accept nor reciprocate the same amount of love/affection, distressed that you do not appreciate my current appearance. Perhaps this is why I've been having so many distraught dreams these past few days concerning you, because in each of them you do something that wrenches my soul and overflows my mind with concerns yet you are unaware in all of them - unaware of my grief, and the anguish you bring upon me.
