I'm not okay. These past few days I've been extremely unhappy. I've been trying to sort out my emotions but it never seems to end with peace. The torment of loneliness, resentment, and anger seems to just subsided and resurface when my thoughts start wandering.
Getting out there and socializing with others is nice but it's not what I need or desire. I don't want general attention; it's not boredom I suffer from. I am angry, hurt. There's a resentment harboring - growing in my heart each day.
I feel unappreciated (because) I put effort in to showing my affection through physical touches and attempts of communication yet it seems as though he does not reciprocate. We have had these kind of talks many times but it never seems to change. I'm not sure why but this issue really strikes me at this moment. Possibly because I am not informed of decisions or thoughts, a disaffirming sign and often his choices clash with mine but then again it's his life not mine. Lately, we do not communicate very much and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be exhausted from work or with family matters but it seems as though that's not always the case. In a trial to see his response and lessen my independence on him, I am not surprised by what I experienced. He appears happier with this new profound sense of freedom - in which I do not talk as much nor do I ask questions or initiate conversations. I do not touch upon any areas or forms that may be a sign of affection, something I use to do and enjoy seeing his response/reaction. I do not initiate any social events so that he is free to spend it however he likes without a feeling of obligation(if I ask to hang out). When he does want to communicate it seems like it's for his benefit - to lend an ear so that he can ponder aloud to himself or escape his current situation. All these things are turning into resentment. The fact that he does not notice the difference in my behavior, that he does not realize my absences/distance or misses me - rather he is more jolly, does not inform me of his choices, and uses me as an escape route.
Perhaps, it is my fault for placing so much significance and importance in him that I expect so much in return. I am trying to deal with it by slowly disconnecting myself - so that I am not so bothered by his behavior and concerns. I socialize with friends, use exercising as a form of distraction, let my energy flow from my tips onto the canvas, but it still breaks me down. His absence, his ignorance. It kills me inside. I have silent nights where I just let the feelings flow out of my tear ducts but it does not clear my heart of agony. Only when am I driving with a variety of vibrations pulsing through me, letting my vision blur with sounds that are unrecognizable as words escape my larynx. Repeat, letting my anguish flow and form into shrieks and bawls until my voice is rasp and my eyes bloodshot. Once I reach my destination, I clean up. Wiping away those streaks, applying eyedrops to lubricate and freshen my weary eyes and clearing my throat - I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell with no sign of sadness or distress that was present only a few seconds ago to present myself to a group of people for Easter.
