I had a better unnerving dream last night. There was a part where I was at some sort of event/play. I was getting changed behind the scenes and somehow there was an immediate danger - something about a gunman on the loose. There was chaos and fear. Fast forward, there was a huge, bare tree where his cousin and family were living - like the one in Shrek's swamp. Later on I dreamt that I was in my bed, under my pink covers sleeping. I turn over to the side, expecting to cuddle my rilakkuma but turned out to be a person. I expected it to be him. Opening my eyes it was his bail out buddy. Turns out he was there to "fill-in" for my partner. Turns out the fuck boy and him switch places - taking his place behind bars and in return fuck boy would "take care" of my partner's family and matters. I was pretty pissed at both. I ended up punching him in the face as soon as those words slipped his mouth while in my bed. Angry that he did that, sacrificing himself over and over again for people he shouldn't along with our future. Angry that the fuck boy just let him do that, always weaseling and taking advantage of him. That leech with his twisted words. He can never separate himself from those people, never and that angers me - frustrates me. And the fact that he gets upset about it towards me drives me further away as well. I don't know what's up with my subconscious. So many dreams lately involving his cousin and him. There's this unsettling emotion that won't rest in my gut. A cloud of sorrow looms over me constantly.
Not only is my subconscious playing games with me but I'm having a moment of difficult with reality as well. We don't spend much time together anymore nor do we conversate like back then. He's more social now which is fine except the fact that he's not with me anymore. Everything seems like there's a "use to" or "anymore" attached to it. We hardly hang out, when we do - are we actually connecting with each other? Laughing WITH each other, gardening new, precious memories? It's so tiring, this emotion over and over again. I keep pushing it away, locking it up deep inside but time and time again it creeps back up like sewage.
The absence of physical presence and feeling of being desired/missed, the knowledge of association that can't be severed, the social activity distributed to others all just knock me down. Takes my breath. Tight throat, somber mindset, with goosebumps I lay motionless. Twisting and turning in agony, fighting to oppress the feelings that overcome and thoughts that seep into my mind like slime.
