I use to be very assertive and aggressive when it came to feelings and relationships. What happened to me? I'm so passive and nonchalant now, kinda like I don't even really care. Back then, I use to wait by my phone for a response and get pretty worked up if I didn't get a response back within' a two minute time frame yet nowadays I even forget to reply for hours or days if not at all. I was somewhat wishy washy as well. I'd bottle up my emotions and every little thing would bother me but I'd try to swallow it in vain only to blow up later. Now, I either tell it like it is or the matter is so trivial that I don't care about it 10 minutes later. I guess I was more invested and sure of what I desired, now I'm like meh. I'm already piled up in my own affairs and if it seems like I'm not important enough then I'll just move on to the next one - kinda like speed dating except I do it just for the funny quirks instead of really trying to find something and make it work. I was a coward as well, very dependent on my former guy. I depended on him for almost everything, taking me places, teaching me how to be social and such. I don't know how he put up with me but then again I don't know how I put up with him either, nor why I still think of how he was in the beginning instead of how he is now. Weird?
I am more independent in a way now. I know my ways - plus I can drive certain highways now(WOOT!), I'm furthering my education in all spectrum, I've gone out of my comfort zone(Sonic) and taken on a variety of jobs, actually put an effort in my appearance, socializing with new people after being a hermit attached to him, and basically moving forward in life. I believe in a sense, what motivates me to be successful is the hope that he'll recognize me, that somewhere inside of him he'd be proud of the person I've become, almost a bit envious per say? But that's total rubbish because it's not true and never will be. I need to realize that and stop my brain from being wired this way. Yeah, it's a nice motivation but I should base my goals and actions on myself rather than on somebody's reaction.
In my time of healing, I had lost a lot of weight. It was scary. My mental state was unstable, depression; grades drop, the whole she-bang. A bit of time afterwards I started to take the initiative to feel better about myself. That's when I became a shopaholic, buying useless things and dressing myself better to cover how shitty I felt inside. Still got that issue heh. I've become less attached to people in general, even friends don't hold that special spot in my heart like they use to because the connection is just so fragile. It can be damaged and broken at anytime plus how do I know if they're true or fake?
Family, I get along better with them now. I guess it's because they can see how much I invest into myself. I don't bother with boys as much and I'm focused on my education as well as my finances. They've know that I know how much stupid love can wreck a person and how harden I am. They can see how hesitant I am in believing boys so they're at ease. Then again, they know that I won't let them influence who I date or marry - except I really do not want to marry anyone. Even with an arranged marriage, I will not condone. Back then, I might have just to stop feeling lost and lonely but fuck that now. I'd rather date around.
There were people who said that I'm not over my ex since I didn't date anyone afterwards, which was like a year or so. What's wrong with being single? Absolutely nothing. I shouldn't have let them pressure me into dating. I'm still young, I can take my time and choose whoever I desire. So what if I'm not over someone? Not their issue nor their place to judge. Maybe I'll never be over that person, maybe I will be in a week or month or however long. Who knows?
By dating when I wasn't ready, I set people up for false hopes - that I'm fully functional without flaws or issues like a mechanic doll. This doll won't wind up, she won't sing or dance. She's just kinda there. I placed hurt and baggage upon that person and he doesn't deserve that. I have a lot of issues and buried tension with a lot of people that'll cut down his networking. I'm too much of a realist while he's more of an optimist. So young, so naive. I, so harden and old. Burdening and suffocating his youth. He was a really great friend. I could open up to him without fear but I don't think we were meant to be together in a relationship. I am not capable of loving someone. I am bitter, I am neglectful, and I am still lost. But I am grateful for his patience when he has it, for the affection, love, and care he has shown to me. Although I'm still a bitter hag, my trust in people isn't as damaged and broken as it was before - just by a tiny bit.
2AM, after work.
