Majority of the time I am a mellow person. I am understanding and patient as a sleepy elephant seal. On the rare occasions I become irritated I'm not one to publicly announce my anger or "talk it out". Instead I am the type of person to push aside what bothered me only to let it manifest, eventually blowing up in the end. Meanwhile, my pain is essentially converted to anger. My breathing becomes fast paced, the adrenaline builds and the only thing I become concerned with is to harm the target - whether it be physically or mentally - usually my desire is to slam doors in their face, slap and hit them, and push them around. As the adrenaline slows down, I am still irritated of course so my intention turns from physical harm to mental harm. Now, I do not degrade the individual with vulgar language rather I simply state how my faith in them has changed. And in that sense, I am also attempting to train myself to care less - to invest less into the individual because I've come to a conclusion that the more I invest and become attached to a partner I start to expect only the best from them. When they disappoint me, a part of me becomes crushed. I placed them upon a pedestal which they are unworthy of. All the frilious promises and endearing words are nothing but bullshit. I need to stop believing such stupid promises and having high expectations. It only sets me up for disappointment and those tight feelings in my chest.
After the adrenaline settles down, the tears come crashing down. Why? Frustration and disappointment. I have never been good at expressing emotions whether it be anger, sadness, or love in appropriate terms. As a child, being reserved was what was taught and expected so all I've known is withdrawing and confining myself in isolation.
I'm not a good candidate for serious relationship investments. Once I become attached I care deeply that it drives me insane at certain points. A broken promise or having bad news broken to me takes a toll on my amgalya and I act out. Perhaps it is because I have such high expectations for the individual because I have high expectations from myself as well so when I get disappointed I feel cheated. I am not fit for a relationship because the expectations I have for the individuals are high in a relationship, because I cannot control my disappointment and hurt by my partner, because I need to learn to control my hurt so that it doesn't escalate into anger.
The only way I know how is to not care which would result in a relationship that is not invested in, dead. With that being said, the more times I get disappointed the less I care for the other person and the more I am willing to let go and move on.
