You know what sucks?
When you're under stress and all you wanna do is connect with your partner.
I know that he's busy, that he's tired. He's doing what he believes is best for his future, alright. It's cool if he wants to blow off some steam now and then, hang out with people and do things that he doesn't tell me - because I'm not his mother and he feel as though that's overbearing and cumbersome when it's just a sign of concern and curiosity. I understand when he takes forever to reply because he could just be talking to his family or friends, when he falls asleep first so I end up sleeping alone I know it's because he worked all day even though I worked all day as well. When he disregard me I make an effort to compose myself, and distance myself to try and heal yet before I can fully patch myself up another rip appears upon my heart.
Your jokes, they are more hostile and demeaning than playful. My efforts for affect are unnoticed and reproached. My plead for assistance while doing something I struggle with is meant with aloofness. I was scared, scared of getting lost on such a fast pace road. I do not fully understand how to fix my mistake if I get lost on highways, I only understand how with city roads because I can actually turn around and see my surroundings and pick out distinct landmarks. I panic, I worry when I am on an unfamiliar road. I drive using memory, that is how I am wired. In order to drive with directions via navigation I will have to get comfortable with driving on the highway and in the dark as well. It's like having someone who is 5'2"who only knows how to walk in water and not swim - stand in the 5'6" side of the pool. They will panic and reach toward you for assistance, standing 2 feet away and telling them to kick and move their arms as they panic and flail will not teach them to swim and will instead cause them to distrust you and not want to get back in the water.
Your hostility, your disaffirmation, the lack of affection, it all wears me down and makes me question why I chose you. I chose you over someone else because I believed in you. I believed that you were gentle and true, that you would continue to love me regardless of anything..everyday, every hour, with every beat of your heart. Did I give you too much credit? Did I choose wrong? It just sucks so much, when I wait for a conversation that just turns into a lifeless repeated exchange of words because your end dies and you fall asleep. My pain, my sorrow, as I wait - as I sit alone with tears streaming down my face late at night while you're peacefully asleep. It all sucks.
But all I do is pick fights with my hurt feelings, with my effort to remain composed and understanding because that is me.
If words do not make sense.
