Cross gender?

“You can love a person until that transcends into no longer loving them.”

“What is love? Love is care, concern, being magnanimous, being open and understanding each other. It is just like a fiery fire whose flames will never die! Love can enable two individuals with different mindsets, actions and even a completely different world to come together In love, your partner’s well-being is more important than your own. Even till the end of time, it will never change for eternity!” 

Had an extremely odd dream last night. First off I was running away from something in the forest with Mikeo. Then somehow I ended up in those toy cars that little kids are able to get in and drive around. It was a black, sedan form car with cracks on the side doors. I kept driving and somehow ended up at a junkyard and got stuck trying to go up a mountain of junk. I was freaking out then the dream transition to me in a girls' locker room and we were all getting ready to go swim since everyone was in bathing suits. Then somehow I ended up down this long dark hallways. I was nude, and there was this guy who was evaluating me as well on how I walk down the hallways, like modeling/cat walk? When I reached the end of the hallways there was a door and I pushed through it to reveal a dude who had borrowed my penis. No, I'm not talking about a dildo but my real life, flesh penis. It was pretty huge too. Not gonna lie. Mine was over a 12 inches, probably 14. It was all real flesh, not plastic or flesh like material. Real live flesh. It had the veins, ringlet of extra skin when you get circumcised as well. Best part? I had no hair on my balls hehe. No pubs. None. Zip. Zap! So the guy had borrowed my penis and had sexual intercourse with another dude and returned it to me with sperm still coming out at the end, dripping. I was like, "Oh gee, thanks." but I was really irritated that he borrowed my penis and used it without asking. I took it back and I had a hole in the front as well. Not a hole like a vagina but like a hollow hole to insert the base of the penis into and strap it on. Thinking back, that is so freakin' odd but I didn't think so at the moment. Somewhere in the dream Mikeo showed me a video of Corey and Josh on his phone for some reason. They were both wearing hats, and dark skinny jeans. Corey was wearing something green with black while Josh wore dark, navy colors. They were doing head spins, something I know Corey isn't able to do - at least from when I've known him, Josh I now can do just fine and the basic air chairs. They were doing all these moves, then afterwards they got up and drank from red, plastic cups, their profile facing me. It was a video he was showing me but it felt more like I was directly in front of them and watching them but they couldn't see me. They were in a kitchen, wooden floor while they were doing this too. I couldn't help but analyze the way he was drinking. How his lips form when taking a drink, his chin had slight fuzz - something that I use to always nag him to shave since it would scratch me. He seemed pretty happy. 

I wonder if I'll ever forget him? There are days where I wish him the best, but as always don't have the guts to meet his gaze. Other days I hate him, hate that he left me, hate what he's turned into. And then there are the days where I miss the past, and long for them. When will I be able to treat him the same as everybody else? I'm sure he's long forgotten, or so there's a part of me that thinks so. There are times I hear of his deeds and foresee the mistakes he's making and want to reach out and help him, want to help him make the right choices and be happy. Like pushing others away because he fears they will turn on him, just as he turned others upon me. I don't know how he treats her, but don't make your world miserable. Don't turn into someone who plays with people's hearts because in the end you're just hurting yourself and depriving yourself of true happiness. What we had was happiness, wasn't it? Isn't that what you desire? Someone who is your world so that on those nights when you hold them in your arms, you're the happiest man in the world. Don't go talking to other girls to make her jealous or to distract yourself, don't contain her from the world. Set a balance and things will go smoother. My advice to you, after analyzing our past conflicts. I don't want to infringe on your personal life, in fear I might obtain knowledge I don't want to know so I will watch over you from time to time, and hope for your happiness. Maybe this is a way of me letting go? Silently assisting and watching over your well being. Stay safe.

Had a pretty bad headache in the morning and considered asking mama to call me out but I decided not to since I've missed so many days. Megg and Michelle wanted to go out for dinner tonight but I declined since I was taking the kids out trick or treating tonight. Tried to dress up in my yukata and do some kind of wuxia but it felt so awkward, the material that is so I just opted for a black professional uniform and slapped on some lipstick and make up. So cold, I think my sickness got worse. We didn't go for even an hour yet but mama called us home. I remember the other year when I went TOTing with Corey. I went all the way until 9:30PM and he would be in the car driving after me, shouting,"It's time to go home!" and I'd be like "Okay!" but still run house to house getting candy hehe. It was a school night too yet I kept pushing on, trying to get more candy. I have to admit, that was the best Halloween I've had. Not because of the amount of candy I gathered but because of the laughter and memories. It's nice looking back at happy memories and realizing how much he spoiled and showered me with love.

I think that's what I'm looking for. Someone who understood or at least tried to, who spoiled and enjoyed my silliness. Someone who treats me like their first love who they don't ever want to lose, to let me know that I'm the one, forever. Can't believe I had that fairytale, even if it was for a short while. It's my happy place. I don't want someone who brings up my past, who calls me names, who hurts me rather than shield me from harm.

Shoot. I forgot tonight was $2 burritos at Chipotle. Gahh! I was dressed up too. So sad.