Is so not going as I plan. It feels like people constantly keep taking away a piece of me when they require my time. I feel bad saying no but I need my alone time. I need time to relax and rest, I need time to focus and do my school work. I NEED ME TIME. I sound like an old fart but I just need some time away from others and focus because I'm slipping and I just can't grasp and pull myself up not to mention the pressure to go overseas. I honestly have no desire to return and it's not due to my desire of wanting to return with "the one". I just don't see anything that pulls my attention there. I have no friends and I don't do anything there, I'd rather be going to school or working. Everyone over there lives in a world of fantasy and it makes me cringe. My life, my reality is over here. I'm in no rush to get the procedure done. I will not put off any semesters or work time because I know if I take a break from school I will not be able to get back in the swing. I just want to graduate with my A.A. and transfer. Perhaps before transferring to either KU or UMKC I shall take a semester off for my surgery then. Seems like a good time because then there's a break between transferring schools.
Lately I've been really agitated and irritated lately, one part is most likely due to school work and pressure but, I think the other part is when I started over thinking a simple contact. I guess you're hurt by the words I said and that you've worked things out with her . I'm glad things worked out. I said things I use to expect out of you, but that's not my place anymore. It's your life, your decisions. I respect that. I don't want to admit but those words, that reaction - I saw a glimpse of the boy I fell in love with and even if it wasn't directed towards me I still saw a part of the that I loved and it made me smile, glad that he's still alive somewhere inside. Honestly, I'm pooped by all this - trying to out succeed you ordeal. It won't make the past come back, although I will end up with lots of money heh. It's not a race or a competition but I do wish the best for you. I'm not going to try to complete my schooling before you or obtain anything. I still hold certain grudges for your past behavior and I'd like to try to be acquaintances but I think that would cause too much of a shock to others and I don't want any pretense in trying to save face. Others will pick and have their remarks and I fear that one side or both may say something hurtful to save their image/self-esteem just as you and I do. We both want to save face, nobody wants to seem weak. I know you blocked me. I'm not sure why either. You're a difficult one to read now. You blocked me, unblocked, then reblocked. I'll never understand why because it always seemed like you didn't care. Anyways, I'm sorry things turned out this way. I hope we can be friends one day - without the false pretense and what not and worrying about others' thoughts of you and I. Take care bud.
