Hana no kinyoubi!

Today just seemed to whizz by for me! So happy it's the weekend. School seems to be whizzing by faster than normal too, yattaaaaa! Sensei asked if I was going to prom this weekend and I'm like nah, just gonna hang out with Jae and she was like "Oooooh, oh my gosh are you guys dating?!?" then everybody else joined in and it got embarrassing haha. Rachel demanded me to spill the beans even though there were none to be spilled. So apparently I yelled at him last night in my sleep and woke him up? He said the first night I sounded a little happy but then I told him he shouldn't do something? Then last night I guess I sounded scared as though I was running from something? So I apparently I sleep talk, mumble, and groan in. You learn something new every day! Odd because lately I haven't been having any drams?

The rings I got for us, no peeking!

More wonders.

Yeah yeah, I'm posting a lot of entries tonight probably because I have a lot of unanswered questions.

It's not me who you're missing, who's on your mind late at night. You don't think back to the past unless provoked. You're not testing me to see if I'll go, secretly wanting me to stay. You don't see things that remind you of me nor do you want to share them with me. You're perfectly fine, not hiding away because you're afraid of more pain. You're not waiting for me to make the first move. If you ever are sadden, it's because of something or someone else right? It'll never be because of me again. There's this constant desire to know, but the raw truth without filters and hidden motives. All this is because of some unknown event in your life that has nothing to do with me right? Or because of a girl who you've fallen deeply in love with right? All of these gloomy thoughts and emotions are because of her, right? I still missed you, I still loved you so much that I bought things while in Japan that I thought you would like. I figured you would most likely trash them so I didn't bother. I came over to your house on holidays because it felt odd and lonely not celebrating it with you. Obviously you were never there for some reason. Some of your relatives remembered me, some were confused as to why I'm still around and some didn't even remember me which is fine. I don't want to go through a cycle of pain either, I don't want to show up at places hoping to be able to associate only to feel like an odd ball, I don't want to be pitied and looked down upon. I want to be wanted, cherish, and loved and I'm willing to do the same in return. I'm happy with how things are going in my life. There are times when I'll sense traces of our past or of you but what can I do but look away? I'm working as usual, concentrating on school, and enrolling into cosmetology school to obtain my license by next summer. I'm not sure how I feel about the past or if I want to return, there's a mixture of both but I don't know if you can open your arms to me again.

I can't.

I can't predict or understand what's going on with you anymore, maybe because we've both changed drastically and now we're two different persons but what's going on? Did something upsetting occur in your life recently regarding someone special, relative, or school? Obviously it wouldn't have to do with anything involving me, right? Because you were the one who fell out of love first, you're the one who fell for someone first, you were the first one to let go of my hand. Is it because of her? Are things not going well with you guys? I can't help nor can I give any impute but I can sympathize with being turned away by someone you had faith in.

More Japan Photos!

Some more photos that I found from the Kizuna Trip. Stolen from others therefore no PS! ( ^ o ^ )

I realized I haven't shown off my awesome host family yet so here they are! <3

Too early?

The sickness saga still rages on but I live! A major for disappointment for some I believe? Haha! Been going to bed earlier than usual, but still late, yet I find myself tired and droopy in class. Wonder what's up? My shopping urge is back, oh no. Shall I go on a shopping spree, save for a new car, or college? Gah! I should just get myself a sugar daddy ahaha. Been looking at a couple of things, literally hehe. Back then I saw these really cute couple hoodies for Christmas but was a bit hesitant on getting them since they were $70. Yeeeah in the end I didn't get them obviously. Mmm, I regret not doing a lot of cute things that went through my mind, such as the couple rings. How soon is too soon? Yeah, I was always afraid of the rings because of that heh. I remember trying to guess his ring size by staring at his fingers when we had hung out in the spring/summer when things were still happy? He was like "dafuq is wrong with you? Why you keep staring at my hands? And laughed looooool." so I made up the story of how much it would hurt for a girl if he ever fingered her lmfao. Mmm, now I don't wanna hold back like back then and miss out on someone special but I feel like it's too soon, which it is, but these things are sooooo cute and I wanna show him how much I like him. Ack, the downfall of being Chinese and finding all these cute fashion things. o( T A T )o

One of the things I've got my eye on! There are other ones but I don't wanna reveal em yet. ^_^

Average day.

I actually dressed okay for once today and had breakfast. The bloody cough saga continues but the amount of coughing has decreased by like 10% since I'm drinking more water. I'm starting to get really bad headaches from each time I cough though and I started getting a nosebleed? It's not only my nose that's starting to act up but my eyes have begin to discharge rheum before bed and in the morning. Wtf is going on with my body? I should have recovered long ago and I shouldn't have this weird ass cough and bloody shit. I wonder if I have an infection of some sort? Gah, coughing each time hurts my head and feels like a raw cut from my throat, not to mention the sight of blood every day is a turn off. Wonder if I should mention something to my parents? I feel like I'mma get bitched at for allowing this to happen. 

Sometimes you're afraid of the future. The past pulls you back with its familiar scent, warmth, and understanding. You still have questions but you're afraid of the answers.