Last first.

I was pretty reluctant in getting out of bed at 6:50AM. Ughh. Laid in bed until 7AM and then I rolled outta bed and got ready. Everything went pretty smooth and quickly except whenever I have to line my eyes. I'm like I gotta get it just right! Left the house around 7:30AM and when I arrived in E Parking lot, it was packed! I was like damn! It wasn't like this last year! Found my locker but I couldn't find the one in the 400 hallway since I didn't write the locker number down, silly me. Hung out with the little group and exchanged schedules until it was time for first period. First hour was packed and crowded, ugh. Now I know why teachers hate big classes. It gets too rowdy, hot, and you just don't get through as much material as usual. I think it's the largest class I've been in so far, 35 classmates not including me. Damn oh damn. I remember in elementary school when we'd have 18 students and the teachers would still complain that it's too big! Definitely transferring out of Drawing because it just takes too much time that I don't wanna invest in drawing and it seems too constricted with having to memorize vocabulary terms and measuring distance to take sure portions and things are just right. Bleh. Not only that but how many projects and artists that you have to learn about! Oh heo nah. I'm switching to ceramics, something I actually love because it's just hands on! Only down side, you can't wear pretty clothes to school because you will get dirty and dusty every day unless it's block day. I have 4th lunch, so different from my second lunch last year. I'm gonna starve! Sad face. I don't really have any close friends in any of my classes or lunch but I'm chill with that. I'm actually pretty excited for assignments to work on, to engage in discussions, and to actually learn! It's so weird, probably because I didn't do anything really in the summer so I'm craving for some brain usage. Actually placed some effort into my appearance for my last first day and I gotta say, I didn't look too shabby. When I got to school I left a little out of place though because I was so..done up if that makes sense? I think I looked quite pretty and feminine. Kind of wished the one who had pursued me, shunned me, would be able to see the bud that he stuck his nose at has blossomed into an alluring lotus.

After picking up my younger siblings in the rain, and getting ready for work.

Growing Up.

Just having a reflection back on the past. I remember the first day of freshman year and how Mr. Clark said that these four years will whizz by our eyes before we know it, we'll be walking across the stadium. These years have really gone by fast, some days slower than others but overall fast. Freshman year, I was so ecstatic and bubbly but as time passed I grew introvert and withdrew myself from society. I didn't hang out with anybody outside of school or after school. Just said home, online, and browsed the internet. Didn't text anyone or made plans. In the beginning of winter, Jason invited me to come hang out for no particular reason even though we weren't close and I decided why not? Hesitated to ask my mom but she gave me permission and he came to pick me up. That night at the bowling alley I met so many new people, I restored a friendship with Vincent, and started hitting it up with Alex again. When the night ended, I felt what others had felt. Joy, being part of something and socializing. Jason had come to the door to personally apologize to my mom for bringing me home so late - it was like 10PM on a weekend lol. I thought it was really sweet and so did my parents which was another reason why they let me go out again two weeks later. And from then on that was how I came out of my hermit crab shell. I got boys falling over me and trying to hook up but I had my eyes set on the one who introduced me to a social life heh. Another boy stepped in though and everything changed. Sophomore year was the year of wishes, hopes, and love. The beginning was as sweet as cotton candy and lollipops with kisses. Things began to become rocky towards the winter of January and February when fears began to fester and manifest. Spring and summer were smooth with occasional bumps but the excitement just wasn't there anymore but more of tolerance. Beginning of junior year was rocky with fights and fears, the middle - loneliness, betrayal,  learning how to cope and moving on. The end? Starting anew with life again and pushing myself out in the world again. Made new friends, forgot the ones who don't matter, and focuses on my future. Senior year, I hope it to be filled with wonderful memories, old and new friends, and learning more about the world and myself.

Oh which reminds me, my fashion style as the years progressed. Freshman year consisted of the ulzzang and gyaru look, shorts and graphic tees. Sophomore year - blank tees with shorts and skirts, a very natural and soft appearance. I made very odd faces in photographs though heh. Junior year - short tousled hair with accents of blonde that had a refreshed, untamed look. In the beginning I was very chillax with my appearance. One might say a bit sloppy at times.  Started putting an effort into my appearance again with different styled outfits and accessories, especially earrings. Lost a lot of weight but tried harder to socialize and fit in. Became more studious as well. Tried different unnatural colors in my hair such as red, purple, and so on. Worked crazy hour to support my spending habits too hehe. Looking back, I've made foolish decisions, taken rash actions, but in the end it helped shape who I am now. I may not be perfect but I'm not a bad person either and I'm content.

Wandering dream.

Another odd dream last night. School had started once again and I had difficulty finding my new locker that someone had been kind enough to give me. I finally managed to find it and apparently each locker was assigned a name and mine was like the gauntly h-something something. It was such an odd name. It was so big and spacious that it came with a pillow bed/beanie bed and two to three fleece blankets! I could even crawl in it and lay down and sleep. It was awesome if we really had lockers like that. I attended first period but then afterwards I tried to go to my locker again but I got lost and I just kept getting lost. Somehow I went across a class that was outside in a barn and they were teaching about the horrible chemicals in today's food, they were a culinary class too. Then I walked into what seemed like the guy's locker room and it was all steamy and mist, by this time I had missed like 3 periods of class since I was lost and I was still looking for my locker instead of just going to my class - which I wasn't even sure what class I needed to be in. Then I ended up outside, it was really hot and sunny and the environment seemed really dry and dessert like in the pyramids and a Sphinx cat walked across me. I called after it, telling it to wait for me and that I was lost. I was sobbing by that time. I just wanted to be found. It appeared to be beckoning me to follow it but it kept disappearing and I was going like through under pyramids and then somehow I had to skip rocks to see the wet footprints of a fish since it was an invisible fish. I don't know. It was a really frustrating and saddening dream. Then I ended up in AP Bio class and that my uncle was the teacher? I was really upset because the only reason I had taken the class was to have Haas plus my uncle doesn't know anything about the subject. I was thinking to myself, this can't be right because he can't teach the class, there;s a language barrier and even if he gives me an A since I'm his niece I want to actually learn and take something from the class.

I was so excited for my deposit since I've been broke this whole week, living off of my tips only to be disappointed. Sigh, I shouldn't be so down though, I mean I've been absent from work for a while and I still made around $250 in 8 days - even though I used most of it. My deposits are gonna be so dwindled and tiny once school starts. Nooooo! I want my fat paychecks of ~$500 again.

Talked about the past and love with a friend of mine a few days ago and I gotta hand it to him, we really are similar in the ways of coping and love. Love, it's a breeze that tickles our face and teases our hair in the spring, it's an ebbing pain in the chest that never goes away, it's the flashbacks of memories, growing ups, and I promises that makes us smile through the tears.

A step back.

Last night, I had a dream. I'm not sure why it was what it was. It was a very sexual one but it was also a very emotional one. Like after the sexual parts and stuff, I had saw him with Kimchi in public and I had promised myself that if I had the chance I would confront her. So I walked up to her and pulled her by the wrist aside and confronted her on the lies and her petty, victim image. She made up some stupid response but at the end we ended up in this house with a set of female twins around the age of 3 months. I was hurt, shocked, and jealous. Somehow she tried to escape me with both girls in their car seat carriers and I snatched one of the carriers and went off. I wanted her to feel the loss of a child, and partly to replace the void of mine. I didn't feel the love and connection I had for mine for the child in the carrier, because well the child wasn't mine. My feelings towards it was as blunt as my feelings for a lamp. It came from someone I really love and someone I despised, both who caused me great pain and betrayed me. Not sure why I dreamt of this? Probably because the topic about Ami and Dudley seeing him at the movies sparked something. Sigh.

Surprise, surprise. Aunt Flo came to visit this morning. Ugh. I was gonna go shopping for clothes and cream cheese but Cobe came over so I tried to watch Xuan Yuan but the video kept freezing so I gave up. Chillax'd for a while until it was time to head to work. Was stuck on ice cream tonight even though I really wanted to carhop to make some tips for shopping. Normally I wouldn't care because I'd be making a constant salary but I really need the tips this week! Oh muh gawsh my lower back is killing me. Another reason I hate it when Aunt Flo comes to visit, I feel worse then poo and I can never figure out if I need to poop or if I'm just having cramps in my lower abdominal! Now I know what it feels like when girls have stomach cramps because I only get back cramps and it makes me wanna crumble on the road and wallow in pain. Wish there would be someone to drum roll my lower back each night when I'm on my period. Eh, I'll have my hubby do it for me in the future and in exchange I'll make pastries since I have a sweet tooth when I'm on it. ( ^ ^ )

Oh, btw. I can't decide if I should go back to platinum blonde or keep the teal color?

You lose.

Woke up pretty late today, not sure why since I didn't go to sleep that late? Notice improvements in my skin after using the cloth facial mask with Centaphil. Went to start a new car insurance with daddy-o then went to the bank to convert my change tip to bills and guess what? I had $732.08 in quarters, nickels, dimes, and pennies! Wowwzers. Came home and just chillax'd until the family left for Carthage around 6PM. Swung by Jacobe's place to "talk" but he kept running away and hiding in other rooms which irritated me because he was the one who wanted to talk face to face. He acted like nothing wrong and it was a planned hang out which totally was not the case. He won't directly tell me what's up. I don't understand how or what he could be stressed out with or be busy with. Over the internet he uses profanity when I get upset at his odd behavior but when I see him, he acts all normal and tries to compliment me? I don't get it. Don't push and pull, I'm not going to play this game.Went to pick up Megan to order our new uniform shirts. The girls wanted to hang out tonight but I already had plans so I had to decline. Afterwards I went to the movies with Austin but I was late to our agreed time! Oopsies. I felt pretty bad. "The way, way back" was pretty nice. I gotta say, I would dropped Trent's no good ass in a heartbeat after finding out he was banging Joan. Wonder how Kip felt? Afterwards we grabbed dinner at Ihop. I did not drive my best then since I was trying to find it on my GSP but it was being dumb heh. I had the usual toast with hash browns, medium done eggs, and bacon. Tried the watermelon splash and it was alright. I still think my favorite is the blueberry one! 

Change.

You know what sucks? Change that you have no control over. He's slowly slipping away, his attention is diverted. I try and I confront him about it and he's like "what?". It's just total obliviousness. We exchange one or two text messages a day, we can't hold a conversation on facebook nor do we webcam. Where'd that part of the day where we placed aside at night to webcam and converse and catch up? When you think you've found someone worthy, someone different, someone who true - it just slips through your hands like water. I guess I shouldn't be surprised for what's coming soon.

Worked with BJ for the first time this morning and I gotta say, he's not a very awesome person to work with. It was slow throughout breakfast but we started getting rushes around 12ish but we really got slammed at 1:30PM all the way until 4:02PM. We didn't even get a break in between to restock or anything. We didn't have a real system anywhere because everybody just jumped in to fill any position that was vacant so there wasn't a steady flow of production. Chris smelled of weed today at work, he doesn't seem like that type of guy but that smell..it definitely was weed. I don't get it? Came home, pigged out, and chilled around. Watched a couple of Xuan Yuan episodes which were a real tear jerker. Chat with a few friends. Caught up with Britney. One of the people noticed this about me since they guessed that I was 18, which was real close since I tend to get a wide variety of somewhere around 14 - 22. I wonder, do my eyes really still retain a sense of innocence or does the sheen just cover it really well?

"There's still a bit of childish features in your appearance, while retaining a sense of maturity.
Your eyes have this sense of innocence in them, but the small bags under your eyes give them a definition of maturity since having them are related to stress or lack of sleep something older people tend to do. You do have normal sized eyes which tend to add more to the childish features related in anime and etc."